The Knights of the Auto Order Proudly Present: The Auto Body Estimate: Vol. II, #84, July 2008

Lately I’ve begun to feel sorry for Paris Hilton. I’m sure her folks, like mine, chided her for years to act like an adult. Then she finally gets a part in an adult film, and they’re still not happy… …of course she’s confused! Paris wouldn’t be on my mind if the spam filter at work hadn’t recently broken, filling my in box with thousands of unwanted email solicitations. I was excited to see one with the subject “Longer in Bed” until I learned it offered nothing to discourage three-year-old boys from waking their parents up at four in the morning.

When our email system is working properly, one of the ways we manage spam is with the use of white lists (indicating folks we welcome emails from) and black lists (indicating known spammers). Wouldn’t you think we could find less offensive names for these things? Someone suggested calling them Democrat and Republican lists, but I suspect this might be problematic too.

On the subject of software, I recently saw a video of Apple Computer CEO Steve Jobs doing a software demonstration at some Macintosh revival meeting, and I wondered what sort of back-up he has in place should his computer crash during such a high-pressure presentation. I imagine he has a crack team of IT ninjas, dressed in black, each with separate computers loaded with the all the appropriate software. At the first sign of trouble, any one of them could invisibly swing in and put a replacement laptop in Steve’s hands, or, if all else fails, provide stellar replacement entertainment: Anything from acrobatics, live poodle shows, or more adult-themed programming, perhaps involving Paris Hilton. Clearly Steve can afford the best.

So what do you give a man who has everything? His own conspiracy theory. I want to know why Apple Computer keeps using Arctic Cat model names for their operating systems: Panther, Puma, Cheetah, Jaguar, and Tiger/El Tigre have all been used for both. While Leopard, the name of Apple’s current OS, isn’t technically an Arctic Cat model, leopard–print fabric has been used on Arctic Cat seats in a tradition spanning decades*.

Perhaps the lesson I should learn from this is to know your demographic. Steve Jobs clearly determined that of the hordes of well-to-do computer cultists eager to buy the latest iSore, few would also be vintage snowmobile enthusiasts. I, on the other hand, attempt witticisms that target only folks who belong to both groups. This may explain why one of us is a ridiculously successful business man and the other writes sacred western swing tunes about Volkswagen engine swapping. Go figure.

Figure eight. Or 8/8/08.

On Friday, August 8th we’ll return to the Eagles Club. The Front Porch Swinging Liquor Pigs are off this night, so playing the 7-9 slot will be our pals Tubby Esquire. Since Kent (and sometimes Dean) play in both bands, we hope that this will also help us to minimize switchover time. Joining us shortly after 9 PM will be St. Cloud saxophonist Mike Anderson. If that weren’t enough excitement, we also plan to unveil a new song, tentatively titled “Watch it Stay”, despite my inability to get the entire band to agree on one rehearsal night. Please join us for the ensuing mayhem.

Love, Scott Yoho, Grand Pooh Bah, the Knights of the Auto Order

* See a classic Arctic Cat seat at:

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