The Knights of the Auto Order Proudly Present: The Auto Body Estimate: Vol. II, #58, May 2004

I've noticed that people almost always say "flesh-eating zombies" (never just "zombie") when referring to the undead. At first I doubted that this was an important distinction, but now I'm starting to suspect that it is. Maybe vegetarian zombies walk the earth in great numbers, but they're just not that much of a problem, as long as you don't have a garden. As I think of it, the few times I've shopped at a local food co-op I always felt a little ill-at-ease: I assumed it was because I could never remember how to price my own items, but maybe it had to do with the strange pallor of the employees or their slave-like devotion to a group suspiciously named The Grateful Dead. Perhaps we should learn to harness vegetarian zombies for the forces of good - they could be put to use as portable compost units, studio audiences for popular talk shows, or as members of the legislative or executive branches of government. Perhaps they already are.

Talk of vegetables and compost turn my thoughts to our back yard where I plan to spruce things up. Inspired by a coworker's photos of a trip to Disney World, I plan to shape all my arborvitae shrubs to look like cartoon characters. Actually just one specific cartoon character - since I'm not real good at this I've decided I'm going to make them all look like Sponge Bob Square Pants.

Those of you who were with us last month may recall the planning of a night-time commando raid to appropriate the neighbors' underappreciated garage by repainting it to match my house and rerouting his sidewalk to our back door. I'm delighted to report that so far the neighbor (who, incidentally, I don't recall ever seeing eat meat) doesn't seem to have noticed that he no longer has a garage. I'm so pleased with the results that I've now moved into stage two, where I get rid of my crappy old one-car garage. How? I'm going to paint it to match the OTHER neighbor's house. Since she's very tidy, keeps a beautiful yard, and would rather eat human flesh than have people think this shack was her responsibility, I'm sure she'll quickly pay to have someone tear it down and haul it away.

And now the really good news: with the time and energy I've saved on these home and garden improvements I was able to schedule another Auto Body Experience gig. On Friday, May 28th, we'll be playing at O'Gara's. We'll start at 9:00 sharp and play one long set, to be followed by The River City All-stars (featuring Rex Haberman and David J. Russ on drums) and the Soul Prophets (a very Zombie-esque name, if you ask me.) Maybe that's a new job for me: I can start a "zombie scare" and personally become a Joseph McCarthy for the new millennium. I'm thinking about different employment because they announced a new CEO at work the other day, and I'm still really disappointed that it wasn't me (although I did cool off a bit when it was pointed out to me that I was confusing the title with "C3PO").

Apparently a robot suit doesn't come with the job.

-Scott Yoho, Grand Pooh Bah, The Auto Body Experience

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