The Knights of the Auto Order Proudly Present:
THE AUTO BODY ESTIMATE: Vol. II, #41, April 2000

I love a conspiracy theory. I fondly recall Capricorn One, the 1978 movie, where the government fakes a NASA Mars landing in a TV studio. Some believe that the film's creators were trying to hint that the actual moon landings were similarly fictional. Another theory posits that O.J. Simpson (star of Capricorn One) was framed for murder BECAUSE he was finally about to release evidence (acquired during filming) which PROVED NASA Apollo missions were phony.

I've got a startling theory of my own. I humbly submit that a recent U. S. President never really existed at all. The Powers-That-Be simply created a manipulable figurine, and hired one of the world's best puppeteers to operate it. They cleverly assumed the image of a long-forgotten B movie star. Can I back up my theory? Did you ever notice that President Reagan stopped speaking in public right around the same time that Jim Henson died? Coincidence? I think not.

There should be a law against that sort of thing, just as there should be a law against space aliens taking over human bodies. My greatest fear is that a malevolent E.T. will assume my form, and do terrible things that people will attribute to me. To this end, I'm developing a "Living (But Corporally Inhabited By Space Aliens) Will". In it, I ask that if my friends or family ever see me driving a Chevy Suburban with Minnesota Vikings flags flying on both sides (a sure sign I'd been inhabited), that they shoot me.

While I'm against assuming the form of other creatures, I do believe we can learn helpful behavior from them; dogs in particular. When Gizmo wants affection, he lies in front of you with his paws in the air, and waits for you to scratch his belly. Humans seeking affection should do this. Not only would this be much more straight-forward (and less often misinterpreted) than current mating rituals, but if it caught on, the stools next to the bar would quickly empty out, and I might actually get close enough to order a drink.

I for one will roll on my back if you come to hear us play. On Saturday, April 8 we're at The Terminal Bar (409 Hennepin Ave - near Surdyk's and White Castle) as part of a Bert Records tribute to music mogul Dave Rassmussen. There's a ton of swell acts on the bill - our set starts at 9:30 sharp. Then on Thursday, April 20th we're back at the Cabooze for the 9:00 slot. Two swell gigs for you early birds, two chances to hear new songs (and new drummer Dean White), and two additional opportunities to buy our new CD, "A Tribute To Carhenge". The verdict is in - dogs love it!

-Scott Yoho, Grand Pooh-Bah, Knights Of The Auto Order

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