The Knights of the Auto Order Proudly Present:
THE AUTO BODY ESTIMATE: Vol. II, #38E, June 1999

I have an idea for a TV series. I'm calling it Touched By A Crack Whore. Angels already receive plenty of attention these days, even though not everyone is sure they exist. On the other hand, drug-addicted prostitutes DO exist, but whenever they get media attention it's always SO negative: I figure that just like investment bankers, musicians, or bus drivers, some of them HAVE to be good people. The most exciting aspect of the series, for me, is the casting. I'd like to challenge peoples' expectations about the demographics of crack whoredom. In an effort to duplicate the career revitalization John Travola experienced in Pulp Fiction, I'm recommending Henry Winkler for the starring role.

I also want to start a TV network based on a theme; Ugly TV. It will be largely the same as the other networks except everyone who appears on it will be ugly. Not Hollywood ugly, where we're to believe that Janeane Garafolo is homely, but real butt-ugly folks who'd make the Elephant Man look sexy by comparison. I imagine a sitcom where unsightly barflies joke at a neighborhood saloon, news programs where disfigured newscasters relate stories of appearance-challenged individuals, and current events shows where grotesque reporters interview Janet Reno. The idea is that compared to the people you'd see on Ugly TV, everyone in your life (even your spouse) would seem very attractive. It's a formula for a more content society. What I don't know is how to attract viewers, except maybe by promising lots of violence - I'm not sure ugly nudity would sell. If the network catches on, I could expand the idea, creating additional theme networks. The first I came up with was Dumb TV, but I quickly realized there's already way too much competition there.

Not wanting to limit my media empire to TV, I'd also like to run a newspaper willing to occasionally print the headline: "Nothing Much Happened Last Night". Telling the truth would be our unique perspective. If this paper were in business today, we'd be the only source reporting the REAL cause of the incidents in Littleton, Colorado. Many journalists have speculated as to the root of the problem: violent movies, computer games, or just plain social unpopularity. They all overlook the obvious: bowling. Look at the facts: it was well publicized that the two young men went to the lanes before school on that fateful day. Lee Harvey Oswald was a league bowler. John Hinkley Jr. once threw a 300 game. Think of all the serial killers from Wisconsin, and then guess which state has the highest number of bowling alleys, per capita, in the United States. The truth is out there.

Speaking of Colorado, when I retire as a millionaire media mogul, I'm going to alternate between living in the mountains and on the sea. I guess I'll enjoy this more if I buy a boat. When I do, I plan on naming it "The Tragedy". It'd be even better if it were a speed boat, so when I pull water skiers, they'd be "in the wake of the Tragedy". Eventually, I might get to where I could stand to hear that phrase again.

It would really be tragic if you didn't come and hear The Auto Body Experience play at the Cabooze this Thursday, June 24. We play the early slot, actually starting at 9:00 PM SHARP, so all of our early-to-bed friends can come and see us and still eat many fat, juicy worms in the morning. From the long-range planning department, we'll also be playing a free, outdoor, all-ages show on Friday, August 27th, from 7:00-9:00 PM at Veteran's Park in downtown River Falls, Wisconsin. It's just over the river - to get there take 94E past Hudson to Exit 3 South (Hwy 35), then take the exit for River Falls Main Street. Head south and look to your right for the park with the flag. We hope to see you there.

-Scott Yoho, Grand Pooh-Bah, Knights Of The Auto Order

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