The Knights of the Auto Order Proudly Present:
THE AUTO BODY ESTIMATE: Vol. II, #36, November 1998

My attempts to devise new get-rich-quick schemes are a reoccurring motif of these missives. The latest proposed money-maker is in the research and development of safety products. My process involves brainstorming on the most absurd, cynical, and overprotective measures I can imagine, and then actually implementing them. For example, I saw some folks riding horses the other day. Instead of handsome Stetsons, they all wore helmets. When I was a kid, not even retired insurance company executives wore helmets on bicycles. Today, if you allow your child to pedal a Schwinn without protective headgear, government agencies will call, you will be separated from your children, and they will immediately be sent to foster families. The marketing inspiration comes from taking this idea one step further: Introducing overprotection for pets. One heart wrenching TV commercial, showing scenes of a severely brain-damaged pooch, will have us Lassie-lovers lining up to shell it out for doggie helmets.

Similarly, the idea of leaving your children alone in the house, even for a few minutes, has been deemed a more heinous offense than a presidential assassination (and perhaps justifiably so). I think this feeling, too, will spread to the canine world, producing a windfall for the young entrepreneur. Doggie Daycare in itself is a profitable idea, but I strive for the efficiency demonstrated by the Native Americans who used every last part of the buffalo. Therefore, while under the pretext of walking/consoling the neglected canines of the upwardly mobile, we'll simultaneously rent the dog "clients" to lonely single men, who'll in turn walk them around the lakes, banking on the "chick magnet" allure of cuddly dogs. The larger dogs could be rented to single women walking around the lakes, banking on their asshole-deterrent effect. Finally, by capturing the waste products of the dogs and refining and scenting them, we can create an all organic mud bath/facial scrub for America's elite health spas.

Speaking of recycling waste products, the card you hold in your hand can be redeemed for discounted admission to The Fine Line, where we'll play at 9:00 PM on Wednesday, November 11, followed by Florence Welk and Flux Deluxe. Seriously, bring this card: not only will you save money, but the bar determines our "value" by how many cards are turned in. If you are one of the two or three deranged individuals who actually keep these cards, do not despair, I will gladly reimburse you with a fresh card at the show. Won't we all sleep better knowing that?

With the holiday season upon us, remember to give the gift that keeps on giving (to me): please purchase our cheesy products, conveniently featured on the other side of this card.

-Scott Yoho, Grand Pooh-Bah, Knights Of The Auto Order

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