The Knights of the Auto Order Proudly Present:
THE AUTO BODY ESTIMATE: Vol. II, #33, May 1998

I received an outdoors catalog in the mail today. In addition to the dog life-jacket [$19.95] and the decorative canoe paddle (with a wolf wood-burned into it by hand) [$250.00] were four books offering to help you to quit your job, and to survive by living more simply. The total price of the books with tax and shipping was $64.42. Does anybody really need a book to learn how to quit their job? As far as living more simply, I think not buying these books might be a good start.

But then, perhaps I just don't understand. This is often the case. I blush when the Amoco clerk asks if I had gas. I got really upset when I told the ophthalmologist my eye itched and she asked if it mattered. I've been writing a self-help book, about how to increase your self-confidence, but I'm not sure it's any good. Perhaps I've shared too much. If I don't stop myself, I'll admit that I've recently decided that I DO want to have children someday; specifically I want to have a girl, and name her Brittany, but only if her middle name can be Spaniel.

Mike and I recently rented a car while on a trip for work. It was a dull blue/green Oldsmobile Achieva. It was a butt-ugly car. This brand-new example of Detroit's finest had a dash that rattled really loud unless the passenger put his feet up on it. We finally decided that the rental companies purposefully buy unsightly cars so that no one would ever steal them, and so customers will always willingly return them. Sort of like ugly as the birth-control method which God naturally bestowed upon Lhasa Apso dogs.

I'd like to leave you with a conspiracy even more heinous. You know, of course, that everything on TV is controlled by secret branches of the government. One example is the several year old clothing trend in which baggy pants are worn particularly low. The tougher and cooler you are, the closer your crotch hangs to your knees. By coercing fashion designers to make, and pop stars to wear these ill-fitting trousers, the "powers that be" carefully planed their popularity, particularly in the inner city. Why? Even the most agile perpetrators, wearing such stylish garb around their knees, can't outrun the most overstuffed of doughnut-eating, badge-wearing pursuers.

Outmoded, straight-legged jeans will be worn on Thursday, March 12th when we're at the Fine Line, playing between Charlie Biscuit and Splendid Creatures. I have dollar-off coupons - if you call me soon enough at 699-6393, I'll send you some in the mail. On Friday, April 10th we're in the main room at First Avenue, playing before The Hot Head Swing Band and Denton, Texas' Brave Combo! Be advised that we hit the stage at 6:00, so come early. Finally, on Thursday, April 16th, we're at the Cabooze, with ?, where we'll probably go on around ten. Call for details. Don't forget, these sorts of things always change, so call ahead before booking your flights.

- Scott Yoho, Grand Pooh-Bah, Knights of The Auto Order

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