The Knights of the Auto Order Proudly Present:
The Auto Body Estimate: Vol. II, #26, May '96:

Last Saturday, my dad and I drove to Milwaukee to attend my cousin Dar's wedding. The traffic was heavy as it was Wisconsin's fishing opener weekend. On the way, in an effort to explain the usefulness of the chop saw, my dad mentioned a fellow he met in Florida who has a taxidermy business. It turns out that when you catch a giant sword fish, the taxidermist only makes a mold of your fish, fills it with plaster, and paints the statue to resemble the fish. My dad went on to speculate that some establishments might not even bother to make the mold from your fish, but simply have a number of variously sized castings on hand.

Should you be lucky enough to avoid the highway patrol, a drive across Wisconsin is a perfect time for your mind to float adrift, and mine did, remembering the tale of a beloved pet goldfish from my childhood. One day my mom discovered that the fish had gone belly up. In a panic, she convinced my dad to rush to the pet store to get a similar fish which they had hoped I wouldn't recognize as a substitute. After visiting several establishments, my dad arrived home, in a harried state, with a familiar-looking specimen. Upon returning from kindergarten that afternoon, I casually walked past the fishbowl, off-handedly asked my mom when we got the new fish, and ran off to watch Hazel reruns.

While further reminiscing on the bait and switch, I recalled my high school job at Island View Lodge. When guests would catch fish, Don Girard or I would have to filet them, and put them (in a baggy with the guest's name on it) in the freezer. Occasionally, when an ignorant guest left some under-sized perch for us to clean, we'd bury them in the back, and steal some frozen fish sticks from the kitchen and stick them in bag. Not one guest ever complained: either they knew they should have been ashamed for keeping minnows, or there are humans walking this earth who believe that inside every fish there's a perfectly rectangular, breaded fish stick.

Just outside of Lake Delton, I told my dad that the Auto Body Experience will play at the Cabooze on Friday, May 24th with the national recording artists, Dread Zeppelin, who perform Led Zeppelin music to a reggae beat, and whose lead singer is an Elvis impersonator. Upon confessing this, my fishy thoughts turned, appropriately, to marketing. I pondered the success of groups who play nothing but covers of one specific act: Beatlemania and Strutter (the KISS tribute group) came to mind. I decided to anticipate the imitators by simulating my own band: and thus AutoBody Mania was born. So far I've only decided on Bob (Gilligan) Denver as myself, but I'm open to casting suggestions. I can't say if AutoBody Mania or the original ABE will play on the 24th, so you may want to call the Cabooze (338-6425) for details.

-Scott Yoho, Grand Pooh-Bah, Knights of the Auto Order

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