The Ministry of Cropaganda Presents the Official Newsletter of The Knights of The Auto Order
Volume II, No. 19 The Auto Body Estimate Ep. XXXXI, March '94

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Dogs and their masters often end up looking very much alike. This is a well-known and widely documented phenomena. In an effort to escape this common fate, I had decided on a beagle, a short-haired breed, when Holly and I were first planning our canine family a few years ago. Shortly thereafter we brought home what the newspaper had called a"beagle-mix". Three years later, Gizmo, at 75 pounds, seems unlikely to have any beagle in him. Although he does have short hair, he is so extremely skinny that people often ask if he and I are twins. I bring this all up to frame my new theory, which answers the question: "Why are balding men more likely to own convertibles?" Like one's dog, I suggest that one's car may share certain physical attributes of its owner, in this case, what's on top is thinner and more likely to come off. In addition, what's underneath is often red. Balding men probably make up a large portion of the clientele at a particular sauna/health spa at Cedar and Lake. Being an ardent observer of silly wordplay and vice, I was disappointed in myself for not noticing the significance of the enterprise's moniker, Sakura, years ago. I guess another U would have been too obvious. I mention this as comfort to those of you who've admitted to just recently realizing our band's name is a pun.

As you might recall, I'm often working on a get rich quick scheme. I came upon one of my notes the other day, and I'm not sure if it was my idea, or if I actually saw it somewhere, but it's about the best ever: a new 900 number to find out your IQ! Only $3.95 a minute! Man! Can you imagine trying to explain running up the big bucks on your dad's charge card for this? Speaking of cash, Holly is involved in a fundraiser for the American Lung Association which operates like a walk-a-thon, except one pledges a flat fee donation, and instead of walking around the lakes, Holly will be winter camping in Mongolia. I mention this for three reasons: 1. To encourage interested parties to learn more by calling Holly at 699-6393, 2. Because Holly threatened to beat me up if I didn't mention it, and 3. Because I wanted to demonstrate the way in which this expedition has already changed her life. Last night we received our daily phone sales call after dinner. Upon hearing the guy out, Holly explained that she was a little tapped right now, and would be unable to contribute to the "Mr. Potato Head Shouldn't Have A Pipe" fund, because she too, was involved in a fund-raiser - then she proceeded to give the guy the whole pitch! Neither party made a contribution, but I thought it was a stellar way to get rid of phone salespersons.

While on the subject of rude salesmanship, most of you returned the postcards we mailed out a while ago. Many of these cards had comments like: Can I buy a CD? Do you still sell Crops recordings? Can't you play any nice music? The answer to the first two is yes: please see the reverse of this missive. And now the real pitch: coming up quick, On Monday, March 14th, we'll be playing at the 400 Bar (332-2903) with Sesamoid, a group Cake Magazine has said SHOULD play with us. (A dubious distinction by any account!) We play first- music should start roughly nine-ish. Then on Tuesday, April 19th, we'll be at the Bryant Lake Bowl. This is a very cool place with a little theater where we'll do a very special, intimate, concert-like thing. They'll show a movie around 7:30 (call 825-8949 for the title and details) and then we'll play a set or two shortly after 9:00. Four bucks for the show. In addition, afterwards you can bowl. Will Erik re-assert his ten-pin superiority? Will Tom break 100? Will Matt show up? Will Scott stay up that late? Tune in to find out.

Scott Yoho, Grand Pooh-Bah, The Knights of The Auto Order

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