The Ministry of Cropaganda Proudly Presnets
The Auto Body Estimate
Volume II, Number 4 The Auto Body Estimate Episode XXVI, Aug/Sept '90 (Acutally I think it was '91)

My boss' car was stolen last week. Stolen from in front of his home. Not a Corvette, Mercedes, Cadillac, nor Porsche. A six-year old Honda hatchback. If they catch the thief, I think justice will be served after he's sent to prison and he has to admit to his fellow inmates that he's in for Mediocre Theft Auto.

Speaking of cars, I saw an interesting bumper sticker the other day. This one read; "Meat = Murder". This reminded me of a theme I was told and retold in my U of M English studies which goes like this; "Sex = Death". It seems that somewhere along the line, some tenure-craving, unpublished misfit decided that committing the act of sex meant the end of childhood, or the loss of seed, or something, and therefore symbolized death, and all the lonely Ulysses-toting graduate students since then have tried to placate their unwanted celibacy by believing it... Anyway, I thought this fit in nicely with the bumper sticker- not only do they both seem to be completely ass-backwards from the truth, but the term "meat" sort of ties it all together, in a vulgar way...

In a barely connected thought, some friends of mine just told me that they're having a second kid and I figured out another angle: having children is like murder - once you've committed yourself to the responsibilities of one, the consequences are roughly the same for repeat offenses, so what the hey... And another thing- a different couple I know got one of those miniature collies a while back. The dog's a male, about a year and a half old, their only pet, and they were concerned because it hasn't learned to lift it's leg yet. I told them it's probably because it leads such a sheltie-d life.

When I was a kid I had a job on a resort where I sold bait, bailed out boats, raked weeds off the beach, and taught city people how to row. Traditionally, this position was entitled "boat boy", but for some reason, I preferred the title of "Manager of Maritime Operations". My pal Curby was pointing out how widespread this sort of goofy wordiness is today; for example, people my folks would have called "slow" are now "educationally challenged". The sentiment seems nice, but, whatever you decide to call the act of selling leaches, it's a still a sucky job, and I'm afraid kids will pick on "educationally challenged" classmates with the same relentlessness they used to reserve for the "special Ed" kids. But it doesn't stop there. Curby figures that soon, fat people will be referred to as "gravitationally challenged". Continuing this line of thought, I figure that people who like the Auto Body Experience will soon be thought of as "aesthetically impaired".

Okay, so I got around to my "hidden agenda". Our goofy rock band is playing outdoors at the Capital Centre Plaza, between 5th and 6th streets on Wabasha in downtown St. Paul from noon to one on Tuesday, August 13. Please come and have us for lunch. On Tuesday, August 20th, we'll warm up Something Fierce again at the Fine Line, and we're the first of 3 bands on a CD-giveaway night at the Cabooze on Thursday, September 12. I'll be a year older as of midnight that evening, so come on down and celebrate with a guy who was born on Friday the thirteenth. If you have any questions about the above gigs, or just want to confirm prior to booking your flight, give the Auto Body Hotline a call at 699-6393.

Thanks from Scott, Gizmo, & The Experienced

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