The Knights of the Auto Order Proudly Present: The Auto Body Estimate: Vol. II, #95, December 2009

Of course the aliens are among us, and have been for some time. It requires very little of their consciousness-bending skills to manipulate our minds and memories into believing that their space craft, which are commonplace and parked in clear view, are really water towers.

My recent startling revelation (#1) is that the design of the common, three-legged, Weber-brand, "kettle-shaped" grill is also the product of alien intelligence, and in fact an ingenious ploy to install small communication systems in every community. The key is the little "catch" that allows the lid to be stored in an upright position on the base, producing a nice parabolic shape (not unlike a small satellite dish) which the aliens use to communicate with the home planet, the mother ship, and each other.

Think this isn't worthy of your concern? Consider this: The kettle-shaped grill design was first marketed in 1952 -- just a few short years after the infamous Roswell UFO incident. Then, in 1957, a very similar looking three-legged object, named Sputnik, began orbiting the earth, helping the Soviets to leapfrog us in the space race. Clearly the communists -- and the grill manufacturers -- had already succumbed to alien influence.

How can you fight back? Whenever you see a kettle-style grill with its lid resting in an upright position, simply nudge the grill so the lid points in a slightly different direction. This totally upsets the array and drives the aliens crazy.

I recently attended a company meeting entitled "Creating a Respectful Workplace: Discrimination, Harassment, and Retaliation Prevention." Of course I support these initiatives, perhaps to a fault. I'm the sort of person who's uncomfortable separating whites in the privacy of my own laundry room.

While much of what was presented at this meeting was common sense, I was very surprised to learn that some forms of discrimination, while clearly reprehensible, are completely legal. This was my second recent startling revelation (#2). As I understand it, the law defines several "protected classes," against which it's illegal to discriminate or harass. Among these classes are those of race, color, gender, age, disability, etc... However, anything not listed as a protected class is fair game for both harassment and discrimination.

Therefore it is completely legal to fire any employee who, for example, cheers for the Green Bay Packers. There's similarly no law that prevents you from harassing a coworker because he or she prefers overcooked spinach, or because they dispute the validity of the kettle-shaped grille conspiracy. This shocked and surprised me, but as an optimist I soon found the positive benefits: it's legal to fire any employee who doesn't attend the next Auto Body Experience show! Ahhhh.

Okay, now, it does get tricky if the one soggy-vegetable-loving, cheese-headed, kettle-denier you fire also happens to be the only elderly, one-legged Estonian in your office, but I'll leave those fine details to your lawyers. Nevertheless, with their guidance, I encourage you to harass and discriminate on behalf of our band!

On Friday, January 8 the Auto Body Experience returns to the Eagles Club for our first gig since October. We have two new sets, some never-heard-before material, and safari tales to share. As added incentive I'll note that the Eagles Club gig seems a bit up in the air these days (apparently the ABE is not a protected class) so your attendance (as well as that of your employees) could have significant consequences for us down the road -- just like that tiny shift of the grill lid.

Please join us for the fun,

Love, Scott Yoho, Grand Pooh Bah, The Knights of the Auto Order

PS: Check out some vintage Auto Body video at our YouTube Channel

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