The Knights of the Auto Order Proudly Present: The Auto Body Estimate: Vol. II, #62, March 2005

Good news from the home of paranormal fender repair: we’re done recording and are now mixing the final songs for our new CD, due out later this year. I can already guarantee the results will be more fun than a realty office mission statement.

On the other end of the good news/bad news spectrum, I’m sad to report that our rehearsal space companion (and best friend of 14 years), Gizmo the dog, passed away late last year. My way of dealing with his decline and passing was to find inspiration for a few new moneymaking schemes. The first is the DoggieScope. It’s a device for old or little dogs who can’t sit up while riding in the backseat of the car or are too short to see out the rear windows. Using the same two-mirrors-and-a-cardboard-tube technology I used to make periscopes out of shipping materials as a kid, I quickly developed two prototypes, one for port and one for the starboard side of the car. Initial product testing suggests this could be very lucrative as both cardboard tubes were quickly chewed up, suggesting prospective purchasers would have to buy again! And again!

The second product is a CD for people who’ve recently lost a pooch. It’s simply a recording of a dog, wearing noisy dog tags, repeatedly walking through a room. It really makes a house seem less empty. If you’d like to invest in either of these wonderful ground-floor opportunities, please send me your thoughts on the back of large denomination bills or money orders.

Having observed a respectful mourning period of several months, Becca and I went to the pound last week and brought home a year-old, fifty-two-pound shepherd and sneaky-neighbor-dog mix we named Snickers. On a recent evening walk, I fished out a bag to pick up his “mission statement” and was dismayed to discover that it was too dark for me to find the object of my desire. If necessity is the mother of invention, I decided this at least merited a visit to her ugly stepsister. By the time I got home I had conceived of a new dog food that produces easy to find, glow-in-the-dark doggie droppings.

As the phosphorescent paint used on old clock faces seemed a health liability, my innovation was to use glow-in-the-dark jellyfish as the active ingredient. How cool would it be to become a millionaire as the guy who invented PooGlow? Or Lumi-Poo? Or Glo-Doo? Or whatever.

Unfortunately I had no luck buying glow-in-the-dark jellyfish from my sea monkey connection. I was busily searching the internet for infrared night vision goggles when Becca pointed out a two-dollar flashlight would do the trick as well. Perhaps I can at least coin a new phrase: practicality is the gallows of inspiration.

I’ve got another inspired idea. Why don’t you join the Auto Body Experience as we play a set at O’Gara’s the day after St. Patrick’s Day? On Friday, March 18 we’ll hit the stage around 9:00 and play a longish set in front of the Kissers. There’s got to be a way to tie day-old green beer into the topic of my previous paragraph, but I’m going to close with uncharacteristic restraint and simply not go there.

-Scott Yoho, Grand Pooh Bah, The Auto Body Experience

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