The Knights of the Auto Order Proudly Present: The Auto Body Estimate: Vol. II, #59, June 2004

As current world events prove, different people have wildly divergent ideas on how to improve the quality of life on our planet. For one example, last week I overheard a coworker discussing the possibility of dropping a special bomb, which does no harm other than render its victims infertile, on a monster truck rally. While I could see merit in his plan, I thought he could eliminate accusations of elitism by expanding his target to include our people. "Why not bomb Star Trek conventions too?" I asked. "Complete waste of a perfectly good bomb", he replied.

While this unnamed coworker may not think that dressing up like Mr. Spock is a good bet for attracting a mate, I think we need to be open to the fact that not everyone is attracted to the same science fiction characters, genders, life forms, or pool toys as we claim to be ourselves. This belief, combined with an attempt to embrace my recent workplace transfer to the marketing department (my aptitude having been determined by detecting copious exclamation points in my emails), inspires me to go on record as saying that I think the state of Marryland missed a colossal branding opportunity when they let Massachusetts beat them into the same sex marriage business.

Another friend, who shall also remain nameless, was recently planning a trip to a wedding in a southern state. She even had a dress made for her, in part because the creation process would be fun, and in part because she couldn't find a dress she liked in a climate-appropriate fabric (she correctly predicted the day of the wedding would be a scorcher). As she told Becca about the making of the dress, I recalled a pith helmet my friend Karl used to have, into which he had outfitted two tiny computer fans. Made of very lightweight plastic, the fans blew fresh air into holes placed in the sides of the helmet. Inspired, I went to Axeman Salvage on University Avenue and bought a similarly tiny lightweight fan, and a small, long lasting rechargeable battery. I made a small hoop for the inside of our friend's new dress, and with some fine-tuning managed keep the fan blowing a little fresh air inside the skirt, without making it billow or creating a Marilyn Monroe scene. The weight actually made the dress lie better. She was thrilled, and proudly wore my "dress accessory" (which we later dubbed the CanFanô) to the wedding. The invention would have been a complete success if the reception hadn't featured a Mexican buffet. Thatís when things began to go horribly awry.

Speaking of an ill wind blowing, rumors have been circulating that the US Government recently apprehended Osama Bin Laden, but they've postponed announcing his capture until the timing is most advantageous to the Bush re-election campaign. I say that's a ridiculous conspiracy theory. It's no more plausible than suggesting that I've known about our upcoming gig at Lee's Liquor Lounge (on Friday, June 11) for months, but haven't published this information for fear it would hurt attendance at our recent Uptown and O'Gara's gigs. Ahem. At any rate, itís a great place to hear us play, we're sharing the bill with our friends Umbrella Bed (the ska band with a French horn!) and we start at 9:00 pm sharp so you can hear our whole set and still get home before that Mexican buffet kicks in.

-Scott Yoho, Grand Pooh Bah, The Auto Body Experience

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