The Knights of the Auto Order Proudly Present: The Auto Body Estimate: Vol. II, #53, January 2003

 

My first plan for 2003 is to revolutionize senior housing by catering to the specific interests of aging baby boomers. Leveraging Nevada's warm climate with its liberal prostitution laws, I'll produce old folks' homes that'll claim: "We put the Ass in Assisted Living." Kind of puts a new light on referring to this work as "the oldest profession", doesn't it? What would these service providers suggest for a cold - chicken brothel? That pun aside, the whole prospect makes the idea of leaving your home for senior housing a lot less disagreeable, don't you think?

Anyone who doesn't regard "liberal" as a swear word found our recent elections pretty disagreeable. To ensure better results next time I propose we start a new political party founded entirely upon inflexible stands on two issues: The Pro Gun/Pro Life Party. There'd be no problem finding dedicated, sincere candidates to run on such a platform. Like so many things in government, our "secret agenda" (to simply pull votes away from the Republican Party) need only be known by a select few. If anyone stood in our way, I'd release my secret weapon: a specially made CD, disguised as Garth Brooks' Greatest Hits, containing nothing but MPR programming during a pledge drive week.

Oh the humanity!

On the other hand, I suspect the economy and world politics are going to get worse before they get better: perhaps we're better off letting President Bush and his cronies take all the blame. Besides, the Pro Gun position might work against my next idea.

The other morning I saw a deer running in the highway median. Arriving at work I immediately called the DNR to find the person who'd race over with a tranquilizer gun, shoot, and cart the dozing Bambi off to safety. I was really disappointed when the guy explained that they can't do anything until the deer is dead: they simply collect the carcass. I asked my veterinarian uncle if those childhood memories of Mutual Of Omaha's Wild Kingdom were accurate: didn't they shoot the charging rhino with a dart that put it right to sleep? "The problem," he explained, "is that those darts contained angel dust." Today the street value of such a dart would be thousands of dollars.

Nevertheless, I was excited to learn that the technology does exist. Every home that has a gun for protection should replace it with my new drug gun. Instead of blasting away at intruders (possibly causing collateral damage on Precious Moments figurines) you'd hit bad guys with sleepy darts. If your kid accidentally tags the neighbor girl, you have slightly less explaining to do than if he'd pegged her with the .357 magnum. Well, okay, perhaps the neighbor girl was a bad example. Let's say a playmate no - uh - you get the idea.

What if these guns fell into the wrong hands? Great! If I'm the victim of a robbery (it's possible that ancient Converse sneakers could become EXTREMELY VALUABLE) I'd rather be knocked unconscious for a few hours than shot with a bullet. While some criminals might break into your home to steal your darts, what the heck; everyone shoots everyone and we all go to sleep; it sounds a lot better than the opening scenes of Saving Private Ryan, doesn't it? Hey, maybe the troops our Republican leaders send overseas could use them as well as all those Nevadan call girls fending off hordes of Viagra fiends.

If you're in the 320 area code, being hit with a tranquilizer dart will be the only excuse accepted if you miss our next gig. We're at the Tavern On Germain in downtown St. Cloud on Saturday, January 25, from 9:00 PM till sleepy dart time, and we'll be packin new songs.

-Scott Yoho, Grand Pooh Bah, The Auto Body Experience

PS: Please note we have a new email address: info@autobodyexperience.com

On Saturday, January 25th we'll be at The Tavern On Germain, which is on the mall in downtown St. Cloud, Minnesota. We'll start around 9:00 PM and play the entire night. 510 W St. Germain: 320-259-6807

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