The Knights of the Auto Order Proudly Present: The Auto Body Estimate: Vol. II, #114, March 2014

Short version: On Saturday, March 15 the Auto Body Experience returns to the Eagles Club #34 for an EARLY SHOW. Six bucks buys you two sets of Auto Body music (some of it brand new), from 8:00-11:00 PM.

Long version: Once every few decades we experience something that changes the way we think about everything that follows, ala Neil Armstrong’s 1969 walk on the moon, Pee-wee’s Playhouse debut in 1986, and the IAU’s 2006 decision that Pluto is no longer a planet. Following such pivotal milestones, we’re like city dogs after a long hard rain; bereft of all landmarks and street signs, and unsure which way to turn and why.

For me, one such recent event took place on February 12, 2014: A 40-foot sinkhole opened up inside the National Corvette Museum in Bowling Green, Kentucky, swallowing several Corvettes. I used to think that my family was relatively safe in museums, but no more. From now on, we’ll limit our family outings to safer pursuits like rock climbing, hang gliding, and running with the Pamplona (or Chicago) bulls.

Upon first hearing the news from Bowling Green, I began to question my faith in a higher power. I mean, if you had something as awesome as a 40-foot sinkhole at your fingertips, would you really unleash it on a handful of Corvettes? I guess they’re sort of a symbol of commercial success, so one might argue this was a bit like casting out the money changers, but most of these weren’t even the cool old sin-inspiring Corvettes.

If this was something about museums, couldn’t an all-knowing and all-powerful God think of at least one more deserving entity? What about the Celebrity Lingerie Hall of Fame in Hollywood, or the Dan Quayle Museum in Huntington, Indiana?

If I had this kind of power, my thoughts would turn to Washington, D.C. While I understand that it might be difficult to reach a consensus regarding a least favorite political figure, I think we can all agree that, in general, opening up a 40-foot sinkhole in the office of an obstructionist politician would be a much better application. If you’re feeling apolitical, perhaps it could happen near Miley Cyrus. Not so much as to hurt her, just to move her out of the dang spotlight.

Speaking of that feeling when you know you’ve just done something incredibly stupid and embarrassing in a completely public place, and you just wish the earth would swallow you up, wouldn’t a sinkhole have been better used on Anthony Weiner following one of his many sexting scandal revelations (if for no other reason but to show I can pick on Democrats, too)?

For me, the saddest part of this story is the news that the National Corvette Museum plans to restore the damage to their building. Why not just leave it? I mean, talk about a spectacular diorama: Corvettes piled at the bottom of a surprise sink hole! It sure would look great memorialized in a snow globe! I’ve got a sinking feeling that attendance would seriously increase if they changed the name to the National Corvette and Sinkhole Museum.

In fact, in the interest of attendance, I propose we rename – for one day – the Minneapolis Eagles #34 as “The National Corvette and Sinkhole Museum,” and throw a party featuring the music of the Auto Body Experience. I figure we’re the perfect entertainment for this event, as we’re widely known for producing gaping holes (at least in the fabric of good taste) and for frequently falling out of sight (as well as occasionally wearing dusty clothes).

The fun happens on Saturday, March 15, starting at 8 PM. I hope to see you there; I’ll be the guy with the red guitar at the bottom of the pit. I suggest not getting too close to the edge.

Love, Scott Yoho, Grand Pooh Bah, the Knights of the Auto Order

Find the Eagles Club at 2507 E 25th Street in Minneapolis. Call 612-729-4469 or visit http://www.minneapoliseagles34.org
Let us know you're coming on our FaceBook event page.
Oddly enough, the Auto Body Experience is still trying to sell you their CDs and T-Shirts: Visit our store.

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