The Knights of the Auto Order Proudly Present:
The Auto Body Estimate: Vol. II, #11, September '92:
The Supreme Court has decided that cross-burning is not against the law. If you burn a cross on someone else's land you can be charged with trespassing, but it's legal as yard jockeys on your property. This brings me to my friends Skip and Barb who live in Richfield. In an effort to make their yard look better, Skip trimmed the bushes in the back and neatly piled the clippings next to the garage, where they were to sit for a week or two until he arranged to borrow a truck to haul them to the landfill. Later that week he was paid a visit by a police officer who told him that a complaint had been registered about the "brush pile" by his house, and that he should have already received a citation in the mail for it, and that something must be done about it right away! Now if Skip were a Nazi racist skinhead and his neighbor was a member of an oppressed group, and skip decided to burn a cross on his own yard as a symbol of his racial hatred, the Supreme Court would protect his right to free speech. But if Skip is just a normal guy, and his neighbor is a white, suburban, fuss-budget little weasel with way too much time on his hands, Skip becomes a recognized menace to society.
Another great step for justice and a better world was presented on MPR the other day. I heard that many patrol men want to make the act of not wearing a seat belt a primary offense, so they can pull you over if you're not wearing one. (They can already fine you for it, but they have to pull you over for something else first.) At first, I foolishly thought that this law was devised so as to increase my life expectancy and to enhance the quality of my existence. Then, upon reflection, I decided that if they really wanted to do me a favor, my life would be more enhanced if I was never pulled over nor fined by an officer again. Now I've finally come to understand they're trying to protect innocent bystanders (potential cross-burners) who could be injured by my carelessly un-fastened body, as it shoots out of my car when I crash while rubber-necking at an extremely unattractive and troubling brush pile. Ultimately, I guess if I were a law officer, I'd rather spend my shift fining pushovers like Skip and I, thereby generating revenue, rather than tangling with unsavory characters who might actually posses a slingshot, a knife, or advanced halitosis.
Speaking of subversive weaponry, I think I've found a constructive use for bungee jumping. The gift giving season is nearly upon us, and what could be a better gift for the employer or relative on your list that you don't really like? Bungee jumping gift certificates! Which brings me to this installment of Money-Making Schemes: I'm currently working on a conversion kit which will turn your "Urban Cowboy Bucking Bronco Machine" into a Bungee-Simulating Karokee Velcro-Launcher.
And now it's time to "launch" into our list of personal appearances. Please notice that all of our upcoming shows are posted on the reverse side of this letter. If you need help deciding which show(s) to attend, and for some strange reason can't see them all, may I recommend Fri &/or Sat, Oct 2 & 3 when we'll warm up Beat The Clock at The Bunker. These will be our first gigs there, and we'd like the Bunker to ask us back. I should also mention that Mr. Elk and Mr. Seal are two of my personal heroes.
A special thanks again to everyone who attended our CD Release party and made it such a hoot. Oops, I forgot; you don't attend an Auto Body Experience gig. you crash it.
-Scott Yoho, Grand Pooh-Bah, Knights of the Auto OrderReturn the Estimate Index...