Ministry of Cropaganda Presents the
Official Newsletter of The Knights of The Auto Order
Volume II, Num. 10 The Auto Body Estimate Episode XXXII, June '92
After getting fueled up on a few cups of Old Crankcase Java©, Holly and I often solve the world's problems. We feel that one of our greatest dilemmas is the shortsightedness of politicians; those who are too worried about how they'll look around the next election to take the drastic measures needed over the long haul. Our proposed solution lies in the elimination of the electoral process entirely and making it everyone's duty to serve in the government; something like a cross between the draft and jury pools. But the real reason I bring this up is to mention another societal ill brought about by shortsightedness: the practice of newlyweds hyphenating their last names and passing this mess on to their children. Now I support the concept: I'm not suggesting we stick with the patriarchal thing, but, what happens when Newt Shvinghammer-Kunklestrom grows up and marries Eunice Barfooserplotz-Snerk? When the ever-progressive Newt and Eunice give birth to Irv, their firstborn, will they really put Irving Shvinghammer-Kunklestrom-Barfooserplotz-Snerk on the birth certificate?" What happens when little Irving marries? This must be stopped!
Here's another thing that troubles me and should be stopped; did you know that it's common for mortgage companies to have Assumption Departments? What the Hell goes on there?
"Well, assuming you always dress like that, we're figuring you can't really make enough to belong in this neighborhood ..."
Assuming you're still with us, I'll tell you about this church down the street which is extremely active. Several nights a week they have AA meetings where lots of people who used to feel they needed to sedate themselves show up with out sedatives. Dozens of cars of these coffee chugging, chain-smoking straight people plug up our on-street parking, and the commotion starts the neighborhood dogs barking, and it's just a mess. I was complaining about this racket the other day when I realized I must really be elderly; here I am, supposedly a rock musician, and I'm complaining about the racket the local church makes.
Another clue that I'm getting on in age is that my car radio always seems to end up on the news and information station. I just heard a thing on MPR about the relationship between the AIDS epidemic and sales of condoms in the US. The man who spoke said he was surprised "how the rise of condoms wasn't as large as had been anticipated". I figure there are women in our readership who have experienced this same disappointment.
But enough of my personal problems. I was passing through Anoka on my way to a wedding reception a few weeks ago when I saw a Liquor store with a pawnshop attached. "Well", you thought, "it's no wonder AA meetings are bursting at the seams when it's so easy to trade the encyclopedia Britannica in for a case or two". I agree, and it got me reminiscing about a laundromat/bar I've been to in Cross Lake. I love the idea of these goofy business combinations, in fact, I just heard of a 3-lane bowling alley/Chinese restaurant just south of Grand Marais. My friend Scott Goihl has always wanted to own his own laundromat/bar, but I think I've just devised the perfect combination: a laundromat/bar/cab station/used clothing emporium! I wait till your clothes are drying, set you up with a drink special, get you tanked, send you home in a cab, and sell the freshly cleaned clothes you left behind. Pretty neat, huh?
If you haven't already had enough of my money-making schemes, here's some good news: Our CD's are here!!! That's right, the long awaited debut recording by the Auto Body Experience is now available, through Dental Records, on CD and real-time cassette. They feature 12-wonderfully recorded car-tunes that we're sure you'll love. But wait, there's more! On Thursday, Aug 13th we'll have our official CD release celebration at the Cabooze. This promises to be a gala event with celebrity guests -musical and otherwise - a rare appearance by the Car Horns, musical surprises, mayhem, and even new music, possibly including "Deal With It" - a song about a casino employee's attempt to continue working as he confronts psychological problems... Keep an eye on the papers for details, be sure to mark your calendar, and we hope to see you there!
Love, Scott Yoho, Grand Pooh-Bah, Knights of the Auto OrderReturn the Estimate Index...